Five Hundred and Twelve Chilling Cautionary Tales of Unchecked Exuberance

Originally published in 1768 as an addendum to the Articles of Confederation, this collection of 419 stories was described by President Henry Adams Randolph Taylor Stewart as "the most passionate of all tracts inspiring a great nation to conquer the demons of poor penmanship." Hidden within its text is a recently deciphered secret code which some believe reveals a cynical plan by the Denver Broncos football team to spin around really fast during a key playoff game until they all pass out. A newly added two-paragraph shock ending took more than six years for the author to complete, during which he ate more than 6,500 meals, always seeming to prefer the ones (it is rumored) that involved potatoes in some way. Employing over forty-five different English words, this tome will enthrall you until the very last crumbly Cheeto has been ripped from the melancholy snack bag of your imagination.