I Used to Be Somebody

I don't know why, but for some reason people find my one-two boilermaker punch of Kerouac and Hawkeye Pierce somewhat amusing. I'm a real prize. I lost my glamorous job as a professional drinker, I mean Washington lobbyist, after I won the war but lost the battle with a Lying Cheating Scum. The Wife kicked me to the curb, down the street and all the way out of town. Now I'm back in Hershey, Pennsylvania, the Bedford Falls I thought I had escaped. Just to prove I lost my mind, I go and fall for some sob story about a kid with leukemia and her family going broke, from a peaches and cream siren who distracted me with her allure. So I'm up against the biggest players with the deepest pockets, I don't have any plastic, and I'm not even getting paid. How am I supposed to buy people? Here's the thing: I kind of like the little girl, Rosa, held hostage by a bunch of greedy insurance industry bean counters. She's a fighter. And I hate it when my friends get jerked around by The Man. The players in this little drama will tell you they're not to blame. That it's not personal, it's just business. Look, I'm just a guy with a winning smile and a fabulous wardrobe, but I don't buy it. For me, it's always personal. I may not have a perfect record or always play by the rules, but when I'm in, I'm all the way in. And I'm not joking around anymore.